I added a very long entry last night. basically I got into a huge fight with my dad. He told me what a horible person I am etc. etc. The whole time I was getting bitched at all I could think of was 'I wish i had a paper and pen, or a computer' I had so many thoughts running through my head at one time. Finally I was "dismissed" and allowed to go to sleep. I typed out an entry on word and signed on for two seconds to add the entry. of course in the one minute that I was online he happened to check the phone line. yeah i got bitched at for a whole nother 1/2 hour. He took away the computer. I told him I was writing an entry. He called me a liar and didn't understand how I could keep an online diary. (well maybe I wouldn't have to keep one online if I didn't have to worry about my parents reading it) I couldn't add the fricked entry. I was so pissed. There was so much feeling in that entry I ended up deleting it so he wouldn't find it while searching through his computer. Thank god cause I know if he had seen it he would have read it. I just wish I could have added it.

I need to write. I snuck up to my brothers to use his computer just to write. My thoughts are so mixed, everything is so unclear I don;t knwo what I am doing. and I read this in someone else'd diary I write for the same reason I breath, because if I didn't I would die. That's how I feel. When I write I can sort out my feelings some what. I just wish I could write about last night, but after thinking for so long about it, all my thoughts have changed. I can't write what I felt last night. I can't even begin to describe again what i felt last night... I don't think I want to either

He made me feel like I was the lowest person on the earth. Saying that I can never tell the truth, that I am a pathological liar. well maybe I wouldn't have to be a liar if I wasn't afraid of him. If I knew that t would be okay to go somewhere to do something without gettin bitched at for it. He made me realize what a horible person I really am. and it kills me when I actually tell the truth and he doesn't believe it. But then again thats my fault not his. I suck at life and there is no doubt about that.

I know one thing, I just can't wait to get out of this fucking hell hole.

Not to alarm anyone by typing this but last night I learned why cutters actually cut. Not like I want to go and do this to myself or anything I'm to chicken shit to actually do that, but I bit my lip so hard last night that I have marks in my lips. I held my breath that I found myself gasping for air. They do it because they think that they deserve it. The pain makes them feel better. maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am explaining it wrong. (I think thats it)

So if my entries are less and you don't hear from me every so often It's because I am on lock down. I am not dead I'm just non existant fr the moment.

then || now

9:17 p.m. || 02.03.03