just got back from NY and it is so good to be home. things are better then I thought they were. I think im starting to accept it. I mean things are obviously going to be weird and hard but its not like he's completely gone. Actually its weird we kind of talk about more now then we did then. maybe this was for the best.

what I did realize is that I am afraid to grow up by myself without that guide. I mean I think about what I was before and I am so glad I met him and I got out of that. I was a 15 year old girl who dressed trashy always had her boobs hanging out for attention and could not say no to a guy. mostly for fear of rejection I suppose. I didn't care about my grades and could have given a shit less about the things I care mostly for now. I am just afriad now that without this person here I am going to fall apart. I am going to become the person I would have become if I had never met him. I dont want to be that person. I'm going to try hard not to be.

I also think I could have handled things more differently. I wasnt the best girlfriend and I know that. I keep thinking about the what if's and really they are driving me sort of mad.

another thing I am frightened about is that there will be no one like him again. I don't even know if I can allow someone to get that close to me again. well now I say ever again but I am a few weeks short of 18. I suppose that eventually there may be someone. but I dont think there will ever be someone like him. I am afraid that I will never find someone who treats me like he did. I could not have asked for a better boyfriend and I know that, but now he is gone. I took for granted the only person I thought I needed. and I do still need him. I dont think anyone understands I am grateful that we can still talk. sure I had my moments of questioning and almost begging, I guess it could be called, but I am glad he handled my phsycotic moments like he did. of course I am a mess, of course I am going to ask questions, I mean its not going to be okay within a few days. I know its not going to be sunshine and happiness.

I guess it just hit me harder then I thought it would. all my fears I had thought about flowed through my mind at once. I knew it was comming I just didnt know how soon. I guess I wasn't ready.

another things that scares me is that he may be uneffected. I havent really been able to talk to him except for a few emails and I really don't know how he feels. but then again maybe that is irrelevent to know. maybe I should just go on believing how I feel he feels. maybe it is better that way. maybe he does feel how i imagine. but if he doesnt I dont think i could handle that. right now I know he is happy. I can tell by the way he talks to me now. it is almost as though I held him down. I hope that isn't the case. I didn't mean to.

then || now

2:12 p.m. || 04.25.03