I think I am going to stop writing for a while. I think writing for once is doing more bad then good. Maybe I will write a little bit for myself on paper. Maybe. Probably not. and if I do I will probably rip it up and trow it out anyway. So I guess I am doing what other diarylanders do and I'm going on Hiatus. Hopefully I'll be back someday. But for now I am done. I am repetetive maybe I'll be back when things change... we'll see.

...So here is the last of what I have to say...

I write what I feel. I do not write things to make people happy. That is not why I started this thing. I write what I am feeling at the exact moment in time. In a half hour I may be feeling differently. I mean there are some entries where I was so furious at my father. I never even wanted to speak to him again. The fact is that I love him. At the moment I may have been so pissed off but that feeling did not last forever. What I think I am trying to say is I use this journal as an escape. It is where I go when I have thoughts that I cannot say, thoughts that most people don't even care to talk about. It is where I go when I am pissed off. It is where I can say what I want to say without having to care. I do not lie to my journal. If I felt the need to lie I just didn't type anything at all. no point in writing feelings that aren't true. I use writing as more then my escape. I use it as my therepy. It is my serenity my security. It is the only place I can go to that is not biased. The only thing that will let me say what I want without thinking about it. It does not talk back it does not have any feelings that may change when it hears this. I know this may sound silly. But it is like a puppy or any pet. You can talk to them and they are there, they do not speak back or give any input they are just there they do not judge you for what you say, they lick your face or jump in yur lap. My journal is just here sitting to be writen in waiting for my words to fill it. I'll be back someday.

then || now

11:08 p.m. || 03.22.03