sitting at home. I have a shitload of things to do but i don't want to do any of them. It's weird last night i got bitched at for an hour and a half. I had so much i wanted to say. so many things I wanted to write. I even had poems in my head but couldnt remember to jot them down. I kept thinking that I wish something would write my thoughts down as I was thinking them. I wish every thought that I thought could be recored somehow. I wish that people could read what i think. because clearly I am always misinterpreted. I wish I had the balls to say my thoughts out loud. but really I dont think that would get me anywhere. especially when it comes to arguments with my dad. its easier to sit there and take it all, to have no opinion what so ever. if an opinion is shared add more time onto the already never ending lecture.

yes dad I am the way I am. i am a shitty daughter I have disapointed you i turn things around on you i get my way. i am a shitty person but you could have it so much worse...

thats what he wants to hear so thats what I'll give him.

its weird too. last night I'm sitting in my room. to exhuasted to write. to scared to type or talk on the phone with someone. I felt so alone. I hate sharing my thoughts but i wish someone could hear them. i wish someone would understand. last night was the first night in a while I thought about something. I held something close and i forced myself to sleep. i forced the thought out of my head. I was to tired to think anymore. I made myself fall asleep. maybe it was because this is the first time that I was without this something when I needed it. it was the first time i have felt alone in weeks. the thing that has alwasy been there to cheer me up and I couldnt even go to it. o well life goes on.

then || now

4:28 p.m. || 05.17.03