I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I dont think that is to much of a bad thing. I mean sleep is a waiste of time anyway. I tried explaining this to someone before and I guess I didn't explain it to well because the conversastion went weird after that.

lets see. Stay up late wake up early. more gets accomplished that way. I mean whats the point of lying in bed for half of the day.

I didn't used to think like this. I would spend all day in bed. maybe I am just making excuses for not being able to sleep. Maybe I am avoiding the reality myself. I mean if I say that then maybe it's just a little more believable.

I have an odd feeling in my stomach about something. last time I trusted this odd feeling I was right. Ha but really I should't care right? I mean why stress over something that I don't know the truth to? but people suck. I mean who would treat someone that way on purpose. is personal happiness really worth hurting someone else. yeah I always here people say "you have to let yourself be happy too" but jesus if my feeling is right then how can that person be happy knowing that i am dying inside. and like I said thats if my feeling is true. Theres no proof.

I've been trying to keep myself really busy. things are slowly getting better. I just feel odd. I mean my entire life, everything I knew, gone. all in less then a day. never to be spoken of again as though it is forbidden. Maybe its best never to be spoken again, then again that makes me think, was it really that bad. I'm gonna stop writting now I think I'm just making myself think. I'm going to divulge myself in some ice cream now.

heres a poem I write on 4-28-03

after today there is alwasy tomorrow
why then is there so much sorrow
if life goes on then why do we sit and ponder
let our minds float free and wander
thinking the toughts we know we shouldnt
try to put up a barrier, but knew we couldn't
life goes on, its what they always say
then why do we live in the past, even though its a new day

then || now

7:03 p.m. || 04.30.03