Day 4 without my Derek. Yeha I'm not going to sit here and bore everyone about how much i miss Derek and yadda yadda. but I do miss him. I wish he could be here through all of this. I mean in the past I've called him my security. he is my way of escaping from my house at its worste. His life is so different from mine, its so much more relaxed and easy going when mine is uptight. For some reason I am always finding myself lie about something. Whether it is where I am going or who I am hanging out with.

I wish i didn't have to lie. I mean I think things would be so much better if I could say "mom dad I'm going to ___'s house there will be drinking and I am sleeping over. I will be safe etc." But no I find myself saying "I am going to play pool then I am sleeping at someone elses house and babysitting her sister for the night" or somethign really random. I just think everything would be better if they knew exactly what I was doing.

But this whole winterball thing kind of made me realise. If I did do that I would not be allowed to go anywhere. I mean it's just how they stand on the topics and how they think about it morally and shit. But honestly they have to think of it in a teenagers point of view. I know its stereo typical but its true. I wish I could go to them but instead I find myself lying over and over again, even if its not because I am drinking. Sometimes it is just so i can go to a friends house, they might not want me going cause he may be a 23 year old guy, so I lie and go anyway. what happens if I got hurt or something happened, they wont know where I am and then I am fucked. well thats how it is and soon I will be 18 and then even soon after that I will be in college. I need to get out and fast. This house is suffocating me and I need to breath.

then || now

11:14 p.m. || Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2003