There is one person I can think of that I simply adore. This person would do anything for me, and I know this is true. This person hurts when I hurt and is someone who is there no matter what. I know most people say “if you ever need me I am here for you” but the truth is most people are not. They may say they are but most are to busy, too wrapped up in their own lives to care. They may be there some times but not always. Besides half of those people are not usually trust worthy to got o with everything.

Well I have been one of the lucky people to find someone who does care. Who cares whether I smile at all that day, or whether I had the worst day of my life. She is someone who I can go to just to vent, to ask for advice, to goof around with, and to just listen to. This person has taught me so much and I am grateful for that.

For a while it might have seemed that I was pushing this person away. Honestly it wasn’t intentional, but I know it probably came off that way. I don’t deserve a friend like this, and I guess it sort of scared me. I am the type of person who keeps everything in. I mean I may talk about the small problems that don’t matter but the big things. Those are mine. I figure if I keep them in my head they can’t be true. I can make myself believe that no matter how true they might be that they aren’t really. I didn’t have someone to tell these things to. There is one secret I can think of that I have kept for over a year, until I met this person. For some reason I opened up to this person. And I am glad I did. It’s a relief to not be judged and to be able to get something so heavy off your chest. Even though I said it out loud and I made it real, it was okay.

I think I also realized why I sort of went away for a little while. I was frightened. Even the other day I said to someone and tried to convince myself that I don’t need a best friend. And that person replied with “well then you better get ready for a very tough lonely life”. I like keeping my secrets inside. But you know what I like more? Having someone to tell. I may not be ready to open up right away, sometimes not even at all. But at least I know I have someone to go to. I’m not used to this having someone to go to and I know I have a long way to go, but I want to work at it. I don’t want to screw this up. I do want a “best friend” I need a best friend.

I’m also afraid that she doesn’t know how I feel about her. I’m not one to open up as I am also not one who will come out and say how I feel. And yes if you are thinking that this journal is my pathetic and honestly not subtle way of letting her know, then you are right. I know writing it down like this is not the most mature way to go, but I love to write, writing is my passion. When I write I get to see what I say before actually saying it. I can sort out what I mean without screwing it up beforehand.

then || now

9:51 p.m. || 03.18.03